kind of  need to talk to C tonight, like really talk. not like one of those conversations that never succeeds to penetrate the surface. i need some assurance that i'm doing the right thing and that this risk is a risk worthy to take. my mother is convinced otherwise but i just have an instinct that this is meant for me, although she asked me if i truly loved him. i didn't know what to say, i'm too young to fully comprehend what love is and whether i am in love at all ... really, i was 15 then, i'm 18 now, my perceptions must have changed! she also said that it seemed as though i am talking to someone new, oh please mother, if only you knew. i talk to them like i know them for like what, 2 or 3 weeks and when everything has ran it's course we part ways and i don't feel any less content. it was all too hard to explain to her that i am easily amused and endeared, yet i can confidently say that i am not particularly dependant on any one other than her and my father and C. even after months of talking, seeing, facking, whatever, and we part ways so be it - i don't exactly lose any sleep over it. but C is something else altogether, but even sometimes i must question whether the attraction lies with the fact that i can't have him. what if i could? would i feel the same? or do i simply love the chase like so many times before? mum also thinks that C don't love me. its when people says things like that that makes me question everything, my paranoid nature will sit there and bisect everything that has been said and done to conclude with an answer no less than inadmissable than that of the begining. *sighs* well i have to comfort myself with the answer of 'come what may'. i'm too tired to justify any further, i think i want to talk to C now. I hope he's not at work.