i love it how you feel like every song is written especially for you. i think i'm experiencing a sliding door moment, when you know you've come to a crossroad and your decision will impact on the outcome of something drastic in your life.

 they always say that 3 years is the make or break for any relationship, well, 3 years is nearing, and it could go either way. i feel pulled in two directions, on the one hand i know that i could picture myself with that person 10 years from now. but i've got to question my intentions because i know that i've never given anything or anyone 100%. i was always one foot in and one foot out of the door. maybe it's due to a mixture of unfortunate circumstances, maybe it only lasted this long because i like the chase ...that person encapulated everything i pictured my ideal life would be, i envision such granduer that even i have to question, do they really exist like that? is it them or is it what i want them to be?

it saddens me terribly cause for once in 3 years i have started to see the light beyond the tunnel, i could picture myself without him, but everytime i picture myself without him - my insides keep nagging at me that perhaps i fucked up because maybe we were like 2 peas in a pod. it's kicking at me saying there's someone i forgot. time is ticking and uncertainty is ever present, like what the fuck to i have to do? i keep hoping this whole thing would roll over, like before, and will make me feel assured of the road that i am taking.

on the other hand, my escape has just appeared, although i know that i can't picture myself with that person in the long term. i want to grasp at straws because i'm sick of feeling like a goldfish in a glass bowl - able to see beyond the glass bowl but never being able to escape. so many things flash at me to tell me that i didn't envision this, but i could, how i could. and because i could - i feel rotten inside. i want to for once just to be completely honest and give someone or something 100%, i want to feel complete for once. i want to wake up everyday and not feel like i'm fighting another battle.

maybe this whole ordeal is trying to tell me to let go. surely, it could of given me a sign before i found myself entrenched in this 3-year-guerilla-welfare-of-a-mother-fucking-heart-break ... i feel like saying 'fuck you', but i don't know who deserves it more, me or him?