i feel like time is running out for me. this should be one of the most happiest times in my life, i finished my schooling, i should be discovering new adventures, new ideals -- but somehow, i feel dismally upset. at home, lately i talk to no-one and everything bores me. i can't be bothered for anything. my parents are suffocating, i feel like a goldfish in a bowl. everything is monitored and subjected to a second opinion. i want to run but i'm hesistant as i don't feel assured of the outcome of reaching my destination. i'm angry all the fucken time. god, 09 will be just another 09 yet more tempestous as I feel like time is running out more rapidly. Sighs

kind of  need to talk to C tonight, like really talk. not like one of those conversations that never succeeds to penetrate the surface. i need some assurance that i'm doing the right thing and that this risk is a risk worthy to take. my mother is convinced otherwise but i just have an instinct that this is meant for me, although she asked me if i truly loved him. i didn't know what to say, i'm too young to fully comprehend what love is and whether i am in love at all ... really, i was 15 then, i'm 18 now, my perceptions must have changed! she also said that it seemed as though i am talking to someone new, oh please mother, if only you knew. i talk to them like i know them for like what, 2 or 3 weeks and when everything has ran it's course we part ways and i don't feel any less content. it was all too hard to explain to her that i am easily amused and endeared, yet i can confidently say that i am not particularly dependant on any one other than her and my father and C. even after months of talking, seeing, facking, whatever, and we part ways so be it - i don't exactly lose any sleep over it. but C is something else altogether, but even sometimes i must question whether the attraction lies with the fact that i can't have him. what if i could? would i feel the same? or do i simply love the chase like so many times before? mum also thinks that C don't love me. its when people says things like that that makes me question everything, my paranoid nature will sit there and bisect everything that has been said and done to conclude with an answer no less than inadmissable than that of the begining. *sighs* well i have to comfort myself with the answer of 'come what may'. i'm too tired to justify any further, i think i want to talk to C now. I hope he's not at work.

too tired of ranting on about how crappy life is to me. so hot. the girls left for melbourne  i should of went! miss smileyboy.

When the last song is over
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
It's time to move on
And I know I should tell her my feelings are gone
But there's still something missing I can't seem to find
A part of me I left behind


It's been a part of me missing since you've been gone
And I can't even tell you how it felt so wrong
But there must be a reason it happened this way
As long as you're home, I'm okay

It's a long process baby and I'm just beginning to - you know. Arrghh, it's a fucken epic battle every fucken day. There's not one fucken day thar pass by without something nagging at me, telling me it's not over. It is, and even I know that it's for the best. Sometimes I want to, so bad to pick up the phone and dial those familiar numbers, maybe if I did everything will be like it was. But I don't because I know there's no point in buying more time when it's the end. I woke up at 7 this morning, had a funny and slightly disturbing dream last night. Feel kinda sore from work, but work is good. It gets me money and takes my mind of everything. I just wished that every night won't end with me lying in bed trying to fall asleep whilst deciding if I'm happy or sad. I want Diet Coke. Probably take Rosa and Max for a walk later. They're fucken gorgeous, I love them to bits, like seriously, I fucken dote on them. If they chuck a shit in the garden I feel overwhelmed with pride, lol.I really want kids and the whole nine yards, I'm just unpatient at the process of getting there - I just want BAM WIZZ, kids et all. ya'll know? I want security, I want to feel assured that I fucken made it and feel some sort of accomplishment. I am struggling to comprehend the full discipline of being an adult (whatever that means)... like I wake up and I don't know what to do with myself. Is that normal? I feel slightly hypochrondriac again ... mm I start everything with I feel. Ironic as I feel kinda numb.

last night was torture, lying there forever, trying to fall asleep and i just couldn't. it didn't help that all these shadows were moving and casting strange lights into my room. i'm a chicken shit. got up at 7, ate breakfast, bludged a bit, went to pay some bills, saw donna for a while after she seduced me with pictures of her naked ... perky ass (drools), lol ... i'm supposively trying to do my economic cramming for this afternoon's test. i'm dreading 3 hours sitting in a room and not knowing one single answer. i feel so hypo with 4 hours of sleep!  i don't know, i'm still in this mess and i don't know what to do to make it fuck off. i don't want to wake up one day and realise that ive made a terrible mistake. what if when i open my eyes, i realise that i'm all alone?

i keep doing this, i can't stop. i keep doing this to myself, can't fucken stop.

" when you finally open your eyes, you'll be standing all alone"

Procastinating again, as per se. I'm wondering if I should call, after all this time perhaps I should leave with a goodbye. Nah, if I call then I'll lose, cunt will use guilt trip on me, layer on the sugar and I can't say no. Then nothing changes and we're back to square one. Cunt, cunt, cunty cunt. Can't bring myself to delete all his photos but, momento then?
Wow, I'm starting again, so labourious, don't even know where the fuck I'm going and what the fuck am I doing with my life. I feel jilted , let's not lose sleep on it, shall we?

 I have an economics exam tomorrow and I'm sitting online googling up self-disgnosed illnesses; eg; bruises, lump in throat, white spot on fingernail ... etc, I think I have hypochrondria. There was a period when I thought I was dying, but only I saw it. Yeah I know, I'm as so quacky. OMG, I'm actually enjoying my sister's teenybopper music, darnit! I wanna go on a Eurotrip. Wanna go London, Amsterdam, Budapest, Moscow, Prague, and Berlin.

Hey what the fuck do I want? I don't know what the fuck do I want.

i love it how you feel like every song is written especially for you. i think i'm experiencing a sliding door moment, when you know you've come to a crossroad and your decision will impact on the outcome of something drastic in your life.

 they always say that 3 years is the make or break for any relationship, well, 3 years is nearing, and it could go either way. i feel pulled in two directions, on the one hand i know that i could picture myself with that person 10 years from now. but i've got to question my intentions because i know that i've never given anything or anyone 100%. i was always one foot in and one foot out of the door. maybe it's due to a mixture of unfortunate circumstances, maybe it only lasted this long because i like the chase ...that person encapulated everything i pictured my ideal life would be, i envision such granduer that even i have to question, do they really exist like that? is it them or is it what i want them to be?

it saddens me terribly cause for once in 3 years i have started to see the light beyond the tunnel, i could picture myself without him, but everytime i picture myself without him - my insides keep nagging at me that perhaps i fucked up because maybe we were like 2 peas in a pod. it's kicking at me saying there's someone i forgot. time is ticking and uncertainty is ever present, like what the fuck to i have to do? i keep hoping this whole thing would roll over, like before, and will make me feel assured of the road that i am taking.

on the other hand, my escape has just appeared, although i know that i can't picture myself with that person in the long term. i want to grasp at straws because i'm sick of feeling like a goldfish in a glass bowl - able to see beyond the glass bowl but never being able to escape. so many things flash at me to tell me that i didn't envision this, but i could, how i could. and because i could - i feel rotten inside. i want to for once just to be completely honest and give someone or something 100%, i want to feel complete for once. i want to wake up everyday and not feel like i'm fighting another battle.

maybe this whole ordeal is trying to tell me to let go. surely, it could of given me a sign before i found myself entrenched in this 3-year-guerilla-welfare-of-a-mother-fucking-heart-break ... i feel like saying 'fuck you', but i don't know who deserves it more, me or him?