bloody facking feeling mildly down again. it's not gonna be a good week. the same old issue arises and i'm convinced that i will never escape from this cycle. it's like i can't and i won't fused in one big gigantic mess which uses up all of my energy ... thank god i like sleeping this afternoon. last night i did something admist the rage of my permissticism and now have lived to regret it (mildly). i regret it as like everything else i am never assured of my decisions. i kind of float through life. i felt like i should brand myself today, probably with some mumbo jumbo which i would no doubt regret in a weeks time, fortunately i saved myself. i confessed to C that the last 2 months I didn't call because I wouldn't, not because I can't. I continued to asked him if he thought it was all worth it because it had been a mistake to get back into contact with him because it'll only end in disappointment and it hurts me to disappoint him. he didn't reply back. my parents deny me of my own emancipation from their suffocating wings, selfishly unaware that their cotton-wooling me is bullshit and unrational. please, i've been from heaven to hell and back and i've seen things i wished i didn't, i lived through shit i didn't dare imagine, so really, they have no facking right to tell me they can't trust me. what are they protecting me from? i've been through it all, the addiction and whatnots. they know i deeply badly want to go. the last three years had been filled with fickle moments of happiness and misery, all dictated by my optimism of whether or not i'm going. they sure as hell know it. i don't understand how they could deny me of it. i'm so tired of fighting, and i'm so tired of thinking. i flip between a; fack my parents and just get a one way ticket and just go, go, go. and b (con): i don't want to have to chose because, i, being a romantic and some what right wing, dream of a white wedding without my father wanting or trying to shoot my husband in the head. but then maybe it is time for me to chose and just do what makes me happy. god my head hurts already as everything i've said here is not unfamiliar to my mind. they have been repeated a million times before, i just can't chose. in my deepest hearts of hearts i believe that things happen for a reason and sometimes you just can't chose. i also believe in karma. all that crap my dad is going through now is because of all his wrongs in the past. i have this feeling that i won't get my wish, because i've too have wronged but then some days i wake up and say to myself, all this time, and we're still here, it must account for something. oh fack.
Posted at 09:56 pm by h4c_126
